Sorry friends for not posting. It has almost been an year since I last posted. A lot has happened in the last year. I told my girlfriend about my crossdressing. She was initially OK but I don't think she realized what it meant at that time. She thought it was just some weird habbit of mine and will go away. But slowly and slowly as we talked more she realized its quite different from what she thought it to be. She asked me one simple question "What if you had choice to live as girl for rest of your life without any social pressure? What would you be man or woman?"
At that moment I told her I am not sure of the answer. But slowly and slowly I think I am realizing what my choice would be...definitely a woman. This is a bit frustrating. When you are not clear about your own identity it creates problems in your life. Till last year I was sure that I am not gay. When I told my girlfriend about my crossdressing, the first obvious question was ARE YOU GAY. I told her clearly I was not. But now I am not sure even about that. When I look at any other guy, I don't feel sexually attracted towards him. But many a times, I feel like I need to suck a cock or have anal sex. I even tried dating a guy but in the end I chickened out. I was simply too afraid.
As of today, I am not sure what I am.
At that moment I told her I am not sure of the answer. But slowly and slowly I think I am realizing what my choice would be...definitely a woman. This is a bit frustrating. When you are not clear about your own identity it creates problems in your life. Till last year I was sure that I am not gay. When I told my girlfriend about my crossdressing, the first obvious question was ARE YOU GAY. I told her clearly I was not. But now I am not sure even about that. When I look at any other guy, I don't feel sexually attracted towards him. But many a times, I feel like I need to suck a cock or have anal sex. I even tried dating a guy but in the end I chickened out. I was simply too afraid.
As of today, I am not sure what I am.
It sounds like you're a heterosexual male. It's normal to try hard to imagine what it must be like for the opposite sex and even to wish to change so that you can really know instead of just imagining. The curiosity is part of heterosexual attraction. In intercourse, men are trying to get themselves into female bodies and women are trying to allow maleness into their bodies and to have penises between their legs. Also, there's the saying about greener pastures seeming to be always on the other side of the fence. In our lives (as you point out in some of your caps), we find some unnecessarily limited cultural and social definitions of what is manly and what is womanly. It can be restrictive. Women sometimes get the impression from what they have observed that being male is all about freedom, independence and being taken seriously. Men can get the impression that being feminine is about being taken care of and even pampered, about glamour, about not needing to have a career, about being allowed and even encouraged to be preoccupied with aesthetics, about not having to be successful in sports or in a career. Both men and women can get the impression that whichever sex they aren't gets to enjoy sex more or has more control or less responsibility in sex. Both sexes have it tough and you don't have to live up to others' ideas of masculinity. Anyway, the fact is that your body is an integral part of who you are -- not a trap you can be caught in by mistake. You can't ever truly become a woman. No surgery or hormone treatments can change the past you've already lived or have you experience menstruation or wondering why you haven't menstruated, or pregnancy or wondering if you'll ever be pregnant or why you haven't been pregnant. You will always have a Y-chromosome in every single cell of your body no matter what any doctor does to you. So don't freak out just because you are intrigued or excited about imagining being female and being treated as female but, also, don't try too hard to pretend that you can be female. Don't be hard on yourself because you don't seem to fit the stereotypes of what a man should be good at or should like.
ReplyDelete